Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Ah yes. The three genders

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

Smells like a challenge to me

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.