Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

And bowling should be called pinball