My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]
well, the name is misleading tbh
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[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The gun range is great practice for being attacked by a paper target.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.