Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.