Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over