Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

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[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click


Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.


You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.


God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out


If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.


Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.


[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]


*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.


People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.


Please women who wear 1 inch heels.

What’s the point? You look ridiculous.

What difference does 1 inch really make?

Don’t answer that.