They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe