Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

🙂🙃🥹

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

The old gods are rising again.

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.