Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

I laughed at this way too hard.

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Meow

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.