ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Spoiler Alert: I was late
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.