[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.