[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito