Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.