*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.