*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer