Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

very niche meme I made

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

At least try to make it slightly believable

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

#growingpains

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.