Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.