Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Brilliant!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.