Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants