Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
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Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I call bullshit on dogs being mans best friend. That little m’effer didn’t lift a paw when I moved. Not him or all his little friends
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”