ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

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Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife


Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock


[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?


I call bullshit on dogs being mans best friend. That little m’effer didn’t lift a paw when I moved. Not him or all his little friends


the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds


If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.


Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts


Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO