ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*