Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.