Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

🐟✨ #re4

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller