Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*