Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”