Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

“Why you watching this shit?”

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.