[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.