[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

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Me, 10:15pm: I’m taking melatonin and hoping for a good night’s sleep!

Brain, 1am: Hey, did we turn off the stove?

Body, 1:30am: everything either itches or hurts

Brain, 2am: Your last work email was full of typos, moran

Body, 3am: I *told* you you’re lactose intolerant lol


If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.


Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie:
“Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days”
“Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days”


“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”


Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes


In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them


[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*gets stabbed*


A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.