Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Why is this me 😫

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

😂😂

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

No, YOUR illiterate.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]