Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.