alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.