alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo ๐๐๐
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Baby Judge: Youโre sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Interviewer: According to your resume, youโre one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Him: You canโt give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. Heโll think itโs a reward.
Me: It is.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Put this video in the Louvre
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: โCan I have a snack?โ
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that heโs the only one that ever does anything around the house.
We all like to think weโre smart. Idk why Iโll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: I canโt come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like โactually itโs a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexityโ
and then thereโs this guy:
Why must a movie be โgoodโ ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: โWhatโs your favorite shoe brand?โ
Person: โConverse.โ
Me: โWeโre already talking.โ
Damn, canโt believe Iโm getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Cinematography is my passion
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
If Iโm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave mealโฆ
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Whereโs the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*โ Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Hey people who donโt understand sarcasm, whatโs it like being so awesome?
Donโt you dare stand in my way, thatโs my job.
During sex she said โdeeperโ so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[in car with wife]
โdid you take $20 from my purse?โ
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.