Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

I like long walks away from everyone

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table