Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.