Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

Livid.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.