Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!