Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

I want this so bad

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.