Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.