Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope