Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.