Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy