Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

They’re not wrong

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

thoughts?

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.