Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong