Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

u guys got any snacks onboard here

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”