Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

ㅤ

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]