Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud