Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.