Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Seems a bit forward

Breaking news:

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

*pronounces patio like ratio

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.