[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
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started wrapping my pills in cheese
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
LOL
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.