Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

lmfao come on

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.