Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

I just want an internship man

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

Previously On Persistence 😎

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you