Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.