Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*