Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me as a therapist: omg same
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.