Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Always a metermaid never a meter
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”