Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Never be a pizza!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.