alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
#Caturday
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.