alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.