Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

peep davidson

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.