Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Lmbo

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

Good morning, Twitter x

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Hard not to take this personally

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast