Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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The smoothest fall of all time
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed