Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.