ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
