Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

This guy gets it.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.