Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby