Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
love it when they get my name right
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria