Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
🤣😈🤣
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”