Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
sir, my pâté if you please
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My age is news to me every single time I remember
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭