Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.