Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

?¿

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe