[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Finally, an explanation.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Found the job I’m suited for
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.