Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*