Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?