Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

adding to the discourse

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me