ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11