Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement