ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Feel. He’s so soft.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!