@Jake_Vig

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

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@BillPelicanBros

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

@vinnycrack

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away

@FU_TangClan

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

@clindsaysway

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

@Darlainky

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@cool_as_heck

Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute

@Schmoodles

Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.