Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”
Now we wait
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute
Me: When does karaoke start?
Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.
Him: We noticed.
Me: This is the worst funeral ever.